Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
