i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
