She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
