I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
