I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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