dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I need a beard to bite.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
