Your face is a jimmy john
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
