btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
