We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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