How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Can you bring me the toilet please
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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