I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
pop tarts are not kleenex
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
