i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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