I just pynch a tree in the face
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
