3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
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Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
This baby is an asshole
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
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She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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