Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
