Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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