i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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