How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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