I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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