Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
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He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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