he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
