i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
