Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
