The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
