I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
