Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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