The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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