My liver just broke up with me...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
