Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
