just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
