apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
