I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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