mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Randomize
