My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
