tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
