the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
