You smell like stripper and shame
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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