My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
