i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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