how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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