Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
