I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
