I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
