Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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