It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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