Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
