i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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