I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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