dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
