you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
