Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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