y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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