Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
