I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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