Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
