this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
