First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
