cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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