why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
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couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
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I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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