Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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