Cold hands, warm shart.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
