I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We had sex on a dog bed..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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