Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
