my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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