I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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